Lonely Hearts

Reading Time: 3 minutes

Are you looking for love?

It’s Valentine’s Day and our inbox has been inundated with lonely hearts requests. If you are looking for love, take your pick from the teachers below who are looking to meet that ‘someone special’.

  • Aspirational tank-top wearing Y5 teacher, M, 55, seeks traditional teacher, assertive EYS Phase Leader with SOH to share increased workload. Must be able to remove PVA glue from trousers.  Permanent position available. Box no. 9923
  • Outstanding Y3 teacher seeks fellow Y3 practitioner who knows his statutory duties. If you show me your principles of best practice then I’ll show you mine. Box no. 2020
  • Adventurous 30 something KS1 female would like to meet a KS2 progressive male teacher willing to share assessment data, nights in marking and intense planning. No Pritt Stick. Box no. 1655
  • Y5 recovering alcoholic with poor disciplinary record needs a second chance. If you are committed to safeguarding and need a new challenge then call me. Supply teachers welcome. Secure accommodation provided. Box no. 0091
  • Insecure NQT would like to share sleepless nights worrying about fractions, music, lessons obs, parental complaints, teaching assistants with BO and staff room politics. Hayfever suffers welcome. Box no. 6011
  • Free spirit, good with a protractor, seeks intense lower junior teacher to spend weekends talking level thresholds. If you are red and I am blue, then let’s make purple. Box no. 25
  • Disillusioned Y4 teacher, 26, WLTM a happy-go-lucky subject leader undaunted by the occasional setback and my continual migraines. Box no. 2211
  • Stressed out Deputy seeks Ofsted inspector for murder mystery weekend. Must not have any future commitment to inspections. Box no. 8755
  • I teach. I don’t like kids. I’m a miserable git really, but teaching pays the mortgage. Join me. No fun ties please, especially maths/science ones. Terms and conditions apply. Box no. 4421
  • Date required, not a prune. I love laminating but not as much as bullet-pointed lesson plans. If you can handle me then shoot. Box no. 2209

  • Sustainable cat-loving SENCO with OCD seeks EAL teacher for data handling, show and tell and emotionally draining evenings. Box no. 1109
  • Savant Y1 teacher with acres of patience and a high tolerance level for post-coital school chit-chat. No white socks, no sob stories and no haikus. Box no. 4901
  • Strict Y6 teacher, M, 42, with a penchant for online SPaG tests seeks gifted and talented soul-mate who can use a guillotine, likes nonsense words and plays the trumpet. Box no. 6798
  • Lost without levels? So am I. If you want to get on my level though you’ll need to ditch the poster paint and embrace my slow-carb release soul. Box no.1121
  • Vulnerable, irritable, impulsive and flawed – this is how I roll. If you want to appear on my CV then let me show you my beautiful mind and bunions. Box no. 1629
  • Village school teacher who started teaching using blackboards. Remember them? Wants mixed age experience, seeks inner-city Year 5/6 teacher partial to IEPs, flash cards and concept maps. Will travel. No vests or stab-vests. Box no. 3778
  • Can you hold others to account and ensure consistency of approach? I hope so. No fuss Year Group Leader wants passionate self-starter to help her with her audit trial and possibly more. No time wasters. Box no. 2776
  • Do you have energy, vision and vigour? Neither do I, which is why we should get together and talk shop. A settling in allowance and an unlimited supply of Post-It notes are just two of the benefits waiting for the right candidate. Box no. 3498
  • Due to expanded growth I have an unexpected opening for a Y4 teacher who doesn’t mind wearing the trousers and doing the shopping. Free transportation to and from school. Box no. 5487
  • Science teacher with curriculum Tourettes seeks understanding RE teacher for fun weekends brass rubbing and wild field trips! Box no. 2019

If you’d like to get in touch with someone above, tweet this. We hope you meet that someone special …

John Dabell

I trained as a primary school teacher 25 years ago, starting my career in London and then I taught in a range of schools in the Midlands. In between teaching jobs, I worked as an Ofsted inspector (no hate mail please!), national in-service provider, project manager, writer and editor. I am the teacher without a tongue. www.johndabell.com

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